


I am not a beast I'm not a monster

by EpiKatt



Series: James 'n MacCready [4]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Gore, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Nuclear War, The Castle - Freeform, Unreliable Narrator, i just typed mild and chose what popped up, light fluff, referenced sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 11:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18365045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpiKatt/pseuds/EpiKatt
Summary: A window through MacCready and his history. It's 96% angst.





	I am not a beast I'm not a monster

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the song Pigeon by Cavetown, which is funnily (sadly?) enough about his chameleon that died of skin cancer. I’ve been listening to this song a lot, and finally figured out how to make it fit. (Title name from the song above,)

_He’s leaving behind his son. His son who’s laying in a bed, weak and tired and sick and **I need to fix my son.**_

_He’s walking away to save him, to find a cure, to find a better place to live._

_The soldier in his pocket feels heavier than usual. He decides not to think about it. (He does anyway.)_

**_Circling around the kitchen._ **

**_Why, is no-othing cha-anged_ **

**_Feed cucumber sandwich to a pigeon, chipping nail polish on guitar strings._ **

****

He’s awoken by gentle hands in his hair, soft words being murmured, kisses on his jaw.

****

**_Got a pillowcase made outta money._ **

**_Feelin’ pretty fake when I wake up._ **

**_Tissue paper castle paper caddy._ **

****

_He’s running away , the growls reverberating throuh his skull even with the growing distance. He’s clutching a crying toddler in his arms, burying the child’s head in his shoulder to not have to see the sight behind them. The sounds are bouncing off the tunnel walls. His eyes are blurry from tears or pain or exertion he doesn’t care. The sounds of her screaming are growing weaker, maybe from distance, likely from her impeding death. He tries not to stumble when the screams cut off and the crude sound of tearing begins. Thankfully, he finally bursts through the entranceway, breaths gasping out of him, clinging to his son desperately, whispering gentle words in his ears,ignoring the pain in his throat, the tingling in his eyes. He blames the radiated air. (He’s lying to himself.)_

_“Duncan,” He says shortly, trying to get his attention. A small sniffle, then large, tearful eyes look up at him. “You need to be strong buddy, just for a little bit, until we’re safe,” He urges, his own eyes silently begging._

_Duncan silently nods and clutches tighter, curling into him further. He says nothing and leaves._

**_Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to-o._ **

**_So honey close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do-o._ **

****

This time it’s by hands slowly massaging his back, quickly leaning down to kiss him and muffle his soft crying.

 

**_Fuzzy feeling and I miss you._ **

**_Why-y can nothing stay the sa-me._ **

****

_He just shot that innocent man. What has he done? The sounds of raucous laughter and wicked joy fill the night. The whole time he sits and feels numb, trigger finger clenching and unclenching, the memory on repeat in his brain. He needs to get out._

**_Fucking  stupid head I’m gonna  kill you._ **

 

“You son’ova- _how could you?!_ ” MacCready snarls, eyes lit up in cold fury.

“Mac, you know we’ve been low on caps, I’ll get it back when we get the money again I swear, no one will buy it and you’ll have it no time, baby please believe me!” James begs, hoping MacCready would understand.

If anything, his eyes get colder.

“You pawned off the most important item I own. _My wife,_ gave it to me. So unless you come back with it, I don’t want to see you,” He growls, glaring harshly at the other man.

James looks conflicted, emotions flickering across his face. But he didn’t argue, and left.

 

**_Melt all your art and drink the pa-aint._ **

****

He grabs two bottles of whiskey and goes. And goes. And goes and goes andgoesandgoes _andgoesgoesgoes._

**_I am not a beast I’m not a monster._ **

**_I don’t care what you say-y._ **

****

“I’m sorry baby, so sorry so sorry,” The words were being mumbled into his skin, the other man’s hands trailing down his flank, leaving soft, gentle kisses in the crook of his neck, whispering softly spoken apologies into MacCready’s ear as he lay panting. He was quick to accept the apology.

 

**_You can’t have the bad guys without a hero._ **

**_And I’m the only one whose got a ca-ape._ **

MacCready protects James. That’s how it’s always been. He shoots the ones sneaking up on James and James does the good stuff. The stuff that saves the good guys and ends the bad ones. Gives him the credit.

MacCready doesn’t mind. He prefers to go unnoticed anyway.

He never complains. It works.

He tells James he loves him. After that he began to notice more credit was given to him.

And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it at least a little bit.

 

**_Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to-o._ **

**_So honey close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do-o._ **

****

_He’s gone. Gunshot wound in his side, just a graze. He’s going to Goodneighbor. Maybe take up mercenary work._

**_Don’t know how I’m gonna live witho-out,_ **

_But I’ll stay strong for yoo-u._

****

He loves someone else. He loves someone else and he doesn’t feel guilty or nauseous or terrified. Just thrilled that someone loves him like himself, scars, baggage and all.

He’s moving on. It feels nice.

**Author's Note:**

> New writing style for me, was in the mood to be elusive. Hope you guys enjoyed. Tell me what you thought about it? How the writing was? Oh, just to say this now, all the MacCready and James I’ll write will be the same world, (unless said otherwise,) James might be a little OOC in this, but this is meant to be a rougher, more angsty fic, and not your typical wasteland gore, but the gritty emotions. This has gotten long. I’ll see you guys in the next fic. Yeehaw. (Should I put my fallout fics in a series???)


End file.
